usononikki | How do communities on Dreamwidth work?

I want to make a community for Danganronpa, since the other ones all appear to be dead. I'm a bit nervous to, though, because I'm not entirely sure how it would work or what that would entail. I've joined a couple communities on here, but I haven't really been very active in them because I'm not sure how. Do people just post directly into the community? That feels so scary to me...

If I was to make a Danganronpa community, I think I'd want it to be a general community. But at the same time, a smaller community just for flash fiction also sounds nice. I want to figure out how to build a community and find other people on here. It gets really lonely with how isolating journals can be, but I don't exactly dislike it either. It's just very different from Tumblr where there are tags to search and find people by.

My partner, Koma-chan, has been using their Dreamwidth to chronicle their fictionfolk identity journey, so I kind of want to do that here, too. It's been hard to think about considering I don't really know where to start. I don't want to end up feeling like I'm trailing along behind them, but I'm so aimless that I can't really help it, y'know? I've been writing a lot of fic for Ouma to vent, of course, but it kind of goes beyond that. I don't really know how else to express myself than through fic, though.

I need to do the laundry, all my checker scarves are dirty.

It's kind of strange, I've been feeling so small lately because I don't know what to do. I get scared to ask anyone, though, because I'm supposed to be able to figure it out for myself, right? The whole thing is like when you're a kid, and you don't know who you are yet, so you just do whatever the grownups are doing.

But that's not exactly it, either, is it?

If that's all it was, then it wouldn't feel so correct.

Maybe that's just a layer to the Oumaness of it all. It all simultaneously feels like the truth and a lie. It's scary.

But I feel like I have to act like I know what I'm doing, and that it isn't scary at all. I know I probably don't, not really. That's just an Oumaism, too, isn't it? I've always felt like I've needed to act like I know what I'm doing. Like I have all the answers and that I can fix things for everybody. I can't trust myself to trust anyone else to do that for me. It's not because of anything the people around me did, my partner tries really hard, but I just can't seem to let go. It's a fear over not having control, over things spinning out of control if I get too comfortable, over not being able to take control of a situation and fix it.

I'm so busy trying to fix things that I don't really know what to do with myself, so I act like I already knew the whole time to soothe the ache. To project a put-togetherness that I grew up learning was paramount to survival. Do you remember your dreams as a kid? Somebody dumped those dreams into a ditch.

That, too, is an Oumaism.

It's like, the more I think about it, the more it's there. The same thing has been happening to Koma-chan, but for me it's been... lonely. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like finally finding an explanation for all this ennui, but it's not really a proper explanation. It doesn't provide an avenue to fix it, it just states a simple correlation.

Ouma wasn't too good at recovering from his neuroses, either, was he?

I don't know if I like talking about him as if he's someone else, because he is me. We're the same. That's a lie to anyone else if I tried to explain it, but it's true to me, and truth is in the eye of the beholder, right? Then again, there's always only ever one truth, leaving an endless possibility for lies. I don't know if that's an opportunity to pick whatever lie you'd like to make your truth, or a litany against delusion. I think I like the former over the latter. It makes life a bit more comforting. A kind lie.

I don't know how I got here. I don't know where I'm going with it. Is there anywhere to go? I'm so small and no one has the answers for me. I have to figure things out myself. I have to, and I have to act like I had those answers all along.

That's a lie. I don't, but I can't not. How scary to live in such a dichotomy.

It's like growing up all over again. When will I finally grow up? Just what is growing up, anyway? Who could I ask about it? What should I do?

Well, it doesn't matter anymore.

I probably need to stop writing posts while listening to songs like this. Things always spiral into nonsense.

Kurokichi