[Fic] Deja Vu

Something was very, very wrong, but Kokichi couldn't really place what it was.

The dining hall was overtaken with idle chitchat as the "strangers" around him—his supposed classmates—discussed their plans for the day. He sat at the end of the table, with his back to the wall, all three doors in and out of the room and every occupant in clear view. Was there a reason to be this vigilant? Everyone was here. Kokichi had counted. Twice.

Make that three times. Everyone was here.

That he knew of.

He shifted his seat uncomfortably to better see the barricaded door to the deck on his right.

The breakfast Toujou had made sat in front of him, a traditional Japanese breakfast of grilled fish, miso soup, rice, and steamed vegetables, as he'd requested. A cup of tea steamed to the side, also per his request. Kokichi stared at it. Jasmine tea, per his request, brewed fresh by Toujou, which he'd requested. He picked up the cup and gazed into it, a pretty, mild green color that made up for the aroma that was lost on him.

Kokichi swallowed thickly.

His heart stuttered in his chest, and he looked across the room at everyone else. They were happily digging in to their own meals, all made by Toujou, all presented by Toujou, without a care in the world. Two chairs down, Amami caught his eye for a brief moment, and Kokichi anxiously dropped his gaze back to his tea.

"This is amazing, Toujou-san, thank you," Akamatsu said warmly, and a chill ran up Kokichi's spine.

What was going on? There was something, something wrong that Kokichi couldn't for the life of him place. A strange sense of familiarity? A skewed sense of knowledge he felt should be there, but wasn't. It was more than the kidnapping itself. Everything about this place, the faces, the words being spoken were—

"Is the tea not to your liking, Ouma-san?"

Kokichi's head snapped back up to find everyone was staring at him. His blood ran cold as he smiled innocently. "No, it's perfect!"

And then he took a sip to prove his point.

And then suddenly glass was clawing its way down his throat.

Amami, Toujou, and several others jumped to their feet in concern as Kokichi doubled over, choking and sputtering. He could feel it, tearing through his throat, ripping into his lungs and stomach, fine granules of something—

And then, just as suddenly, it was gone.

His grasp on the cup trembled as he heaved, trying to collect himself. Everyone was watching. Staring. Expecting him to keel over. Expecting the killing game to start right there at breakfast in front of them all. Slowly, he stood on shaky legs, plastering on a wobbly grin.

"Whoops, I lied!" he rasped. "It's terrible, Toujou-chan! I've never had tea this bad before!"

"How rude! Her tea is great!" Chabashira scoffed, and everyone settled down. "Typical behavior of a degenerate male."

The whole world felt like it was tilted sideways.

"If it was truly not to your liking, I would be happy to brew another pot," Toujou offered. Kokichi's hackles raised.

"No need!" Kokichi quipped. His throat felt like sandpaper. "I wasn't really that thirsty anyway. I'm gonna go clean up."

Most everyone dismissed him after that, and he breezed past them all, cup in hand. Only Amami's gaze continued to burn a hole in Kokichi's back as he disappeared into the kitchen.

He thought it would feel safer there, a moment of respite without everyone's eyes on him, but the moment he entered it was like Death himself had followed him inside. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary—it was your average industrial kitchen, seen in most any school. Despite Toujou's recent use of it, the counters were spotless. The industrial refrigerators hummed and whirred in the background, and something about that noise in particular constricted around Kokichi's lungs like a vice.

Kokichi quickly made his way to the sink with what remained of his cup of tea.

He peered inside of it.

Again, nothing seemed suspicious. And yet, the idea, the memory of it had felt so viscerally real—countless razor-sharp tiny grains ripping and gouging their way down through his insides. He looked into the cup again. If it was crushed finely enough, you still might not notice it in liquid, right?

Kokichi's hand shook as he poured it into the sink.

The whirring of the fridges behind him filled the room. Someone was behind him in the empty kitchen, a target painted on his back.

The tea evenly and innocently ran down the drain without a speck of glass in sight.

The Danganronpa Community is seeing some activity!

I'm very excited to see that, even if it is just a small handful of members. I know it's mostly from Tumblr, as recently there's been that new scare going around about the possibility of it going down. I don't really know how to feel about it myself, but I hope the community here will continue to grow even if Tumblr doesn't go down. I think it would be nice to have this special little corner and actually have more friends to know this tucked away little corner of myself.

That isn't to say I'm not a little nervous, though.

Since most of these people are coming from Tumblr, they've naturally figured out who I am over there. I don't exactly hide it here, but I very much do not want this place to become public knowledge being circulated on Tumblr. This is primarily because of an ongoing situation I have with a cyberstalker over there. Dreamwidth is the one place that I know for a fact is untainted, because I have never once mentioned I had one in the public sphere.

I have never and will never broadcast my Dreamwidth account on Tumblr, and I want all of my new subscribers here who came from Tumblr to respect that.

Anyone is free to spread the word about danganronpa_alumni itself—it is a public community, after all, and I'm happy to see more people join and engage! But please, keep my name out of it if you do. Especially my Tumblrs if you know them. I don't want to have to start restricting Access on all of my personal posts, and feel paranoid about vetting every one of my subscribers to make sure they're safe to grant Access. This place is suppose to be safe for me. I'd like to keep it that way.

Anyway, it's been a hot minute since the last time I took the time to write a personal post. I've been so caught up in trying to keep up with the fic event that it's kind of worn me out and I haven't had the energy to think much—or feel much, for that matter. Under the surface, though, I've been having a whole slew of feelings, and I think it was the primary cause of the crash and burn I had a couple days ago.

Some of it has been Ouma identity issues, to be expected when literally all I've been writing is Ouma whump hell.

I dunno, I've been getting dysphoria lately and even the tiniest things about it bother me. I've been in a hangar mood, and so, so small, for no reason in particular. I'm masking harder because that's the typical knee-jerk Ouma reaction to anything. It's easier even if it hurts, because it prevents more problems from cropping up, y'know? But really I'm just in that mood to lay on the press and stare at the ceiling.

Maybe I should write another installment of that to vent, I dunno.

Part of it might be the DnD campaign I've joined, which isn't to say I don't like it. I really, really do like it. It's been super cathartic, because I've been playing Kokichi in it, and I've built him very much in the same way I operate a lot of the time. It's a horror campaign with age regression at the crux, too, so maybe that's why I've been feeling so small. It's kind of become the thing I've most been waiting for all week at this point.

At the moment, I—Kokichi, that is, but it pretty much is me, so I digress—have gotten myself in a bit of a pinch with a shady character and magical brainwashing with a side of grooming and themes of cult indoctrination, which is frankly terrifying on account I was actually in a cult once. Very scary, very cathartic, I'm here for it, but good god is that scary.

Also I think I've been tapping on accident during sessions on a past life front, which is even scarier. Don't worry about it. I'm not wrestling with the trauma and implications that having this be a past life may present. That's a lie.

I miss Papa...

Who said that?

The DM's worldbuilding and setup is phenomenal. That's all I'm gonna say. The identity euphoria of playing Kokichi there is like heroin.

Kurokichi